(im)perfection

This week is Book Week. Juniordwarf’s school is having a Book Week Parade and the kids are all encouraged to dress up as a character from their favourite book.
 

Two years ago he wanted to be The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and I did this.

Last year he was a pirate, which was easy because he already had a pirate costume.

This year he said he wanted to be The Cat In The Hat. 

I figured this wouldn’t be too hard, and set about planning how I was going to do this

I always thought one of he fun things about primary school-age kids would be doing stuff like making costumes. You know, in all that spare time I have. Yeah.

I can remember my mother making me a Wild Thing costume in primary school for something our class was doing around the book Where The Wild Things Are.

(It looked like this:)

I assume I could actually breathe in this outfit

I figured if my mother could create such a thing out of an old blanket, I could come up with a cat costume pretty easily. Black pants, a black and white top, a tail and OH MY GOODNESS HOW THE HELL DO YOU MAKE HATS?

(Luckily a nearby craft supply store just happened to stock red and white striped hats exactly like the one the Cat in the Hat wears, which I discovered when I went in to get my supplies for this crafty endeavour. Enormous relief.)

I got out the sewing machine. Yes the very same sewing machine I got for Xmas two years ago and had not actually used. The same sewing machine listed at Number 24 on my 100 things to do in 2013 list (24. Sew something. Anything. Just use the damn sewing machine!).

Once I worked out how to thread it (which could be a whole post in itself – my mother’s old basic Bernina it is not), it was time for action.

The black pants were going to be easy. I based them on the same pattern I used for the caterpillar costume. 

OK, not quite so easy. Fluffy polar fleece isn’t quite as easy to sew as I thought it would be. I mean, it moves when you sew it. What kind of sorcery is this?

Anyway, I got there eventually. The pants were done. I’m totally rocking this crafty mama thing.

I didn’t have any sweatshirt patterns. No drama. How hard can it be? It’s just four pieces right? A front, a back and two sleeves. So I can just trace one of his sweatshirts and copy that.

Seam allowance? Pfft, who needs that? It’s a cat outfit. It’s meant to be tight.

 

See, it fits him.

Oh, you know what? You should have sewed the sleeves into the shoulders before you sewed up the side seams.

Well I’ll just trace the top of the sleeve using the arm hole as a guide, extend it to the length of his arm, and narrow it in at the bottom. Then I can just sew the sleeve in to the arm hole. No worries.

NO WORRIES? WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING? HAVE A LOOK AT THIS! THE SLEEVES AREN’T WIDE ENOUGH! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO “MEASURE TWICE, CUT ONCE?”

True. In most garments the sleeves actually join up under the arm. 

Bugger.

By this time I was getting somewhat frustrated at this whole exercise. Who said the crafty mama thing was fun? I actually wanted to do this? What was I thinking?

Juniordwarf was watching me. “So I don’t think this is going to be a very good costume,” I said to him.

He looked at me.

Then said, “I don’t mind. It doesn’t have to be perfect. In fact, I don’t want it to be perfect.”

I thought back to where I’d heard this before. It had come from Juniordwarf’s teacher. His class is doing Art this term, and the teacher has been stressing the point very strongly that their art doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t look exactly like what they’re drawing and painting or if it doesn’t look the same as anyone else’s work. The idea is to capture what they see and reproduce it the way they see it themselves – so how one child sees something and draws it will be different to how any other child sees it.

The displays around the classroom are testament to this, and it’s fascinating to see each child’s style in their work.

While I was thinking about this, Juniordwarf then proceeded to quote what I’ve often said to him, right back at me. “It doesn’t matter if you make a mistake. We all make mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn.”

 

And you know what struck me most? That while I’m encouraging him not to be hard on himself and not set himself impossible standards, I continue to expect myself to be perfect and to never make a mistake.

It’s not going to be enough for him to hear these messages is it? I can’t really tell him not to seek perfection if I continue to expect it of myself. He’ll catch on to that one day, and how am I going to explain that? 

“Well . . . it’s OK for you not to do things perfectly, but I’m different. I have to.” 

Not really convincing is it? I’m not different. 

So for him to truly embrace these messages, he has to see them in action. That means he has to see me make mistakes and see how I learn from them. He has to see me accept less than perfect. He has to know that I believe what I’m saying. And therefore, I have to believe it.

Maybe I should go back to Grade 1. 

(P.S. Costume is not quite finished . . . but it will fit him and I expect it will hold together for a day. So all is well.)

and so, this self-care thing is hard

After yesterday's post about how I'm not looking after myself (I'm starting to sound like that frozen meals ad, yeah?) I got a lot of supportive comments from my friends, both real life and online. I felt very touched that people were concerned about me.

They all said pretty much the same thing. I have to take better care of myself or I'm not going to be any good to anyone.

I know in my heart of hearts that this is true. Or at least Me-two does. Me-first (or perhaps that part of me should be called Everyone-else-first) is somewhat reluctant to accept it, and thinks that I need to keep going until the job is done, without any let up. And then keep going some more.

It's going to be difficult to overcome Me-first's drive and determination, especially when she is in the 'zone'. But I need to find a better balance and I need to give Me-two what she needs as well.

Today I didn't do very well at this.

But tomorrow is another day and I will try again. Some things I need to really pay attention to first are to have a proper lunch break and regular breaks during the day, to drink more water and less beer, and to get a massage.

One thing I'm quite proud of is that I haven't resorted to stress eating or going back to cakes and sweet things. That's an area I think I've made a lot of progress in.

So if I can do that, there's no reason why I can't take other steps as well. And one step at a time I will get to where I want to be.

And thank you everyone who sent me supportive messages. I appreciate you taking the time for me.

the conflict within

The last few weeks I've felt like I'm two different people.

I'm very busy at work and the end date is rapidly approaching. Things need to be done yesterday and somehow, the two elements of the project that I'm responsible for have both ended up needing to be finalised at pretty much the same time.

I'm struggling, because it's been very much: do this, send it back, next thing comes in while I'm doing the first thing, do the second thing, send that back, in the mean time the third thing has come in, then the first thing has come back and needs revision . . . and it doesn't seem to stop.

Me-first is driven and determined to get this all done, and done right, and won't stop until everything is perfect. My part-time hours mean I haven't been there at some critical times, which means delays that I can't really afford. The days I'm supposed to leave at 2.30 to pick up Juniordwarf from school have been the hardest. Just because I've left doesn't mean the work doesn't keep coming in. So I've been taking work home to make up those hours.

Taking work home is something I said I'd never do, but Me-first is taking some kind of delight in working so hard and getting things finished. It must be the adrenaline rush or something, because Me-first has really been getting into the zone at these times. Working at home has become such a habit that last Wednesday, the first Wednesday for a few weeks that I didn't need to take anything home, I was wandering round the house feeling completely lost because I didn't have any work to do. 

I know!  That has to be the saddest thing ever, right?

The second me is feeling very very pressured and scared and overwhelmed and like I'm about to hit my breaking point. Me-two hears people tell me to ease up on myself, to relax and to take time for myself. Me-two knows that I need to do this, but Me-first is committed to the task and says that there is no time to stop now, I can rest when this is all over. It won't be too much longer, it really won't, and the pressure will be off.

So this inner dialogue between Me-two and Me-first is going on all the time, making me feel even more anxious. So now, not only am I feeling stressed about the work itself, which is bad enough, but I'm also feeling stressed about the very fact that I’m overdoing it. I think I'm just holding on by the skin of my teeth, so that I can have this break some time in the near future. At which point I will probably collapse.

Me-first decided to make things worse yesterday when Juniordwarf and I were watching a DVD, by telling me I really should be doing something more productive with my time with him rather than watching a DVD or letting him go on the computer. 

Thank you Me-first. That is Not Helpful.

I think part of this stems from the way I think about myself at work - or more accurately, the way I think other people see me at work - that is, that being part-time means I don't really pull my weight. So Me-first is determined to show them that I can contribute just as well as anyone else and not let the side down. Everyone else is under pressure too. Others are working full-time hours, some of them have kids too and they’re all coping. I just waltz on out of there at 3 pm, so what do I have to complain about?

Of course, no one has ever said that they think I’m slacking off because I’m part-time, and the majority of feedback I have received is that my contributions are valued and that being part-time hasn't affected my work performance. Some things might take longer for me to do because I'm not there all day, but this is generally factored into my time frames.

So it's a flawed argument, but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty every time I leave work at school pickup time. 

It would be easy enough for me to lay all the blame for this on work, but that’s unfair. When I took on the extra work, I expected it to be a lot less work than it became. I've been fairly relaxed about waiting for other people’s feedback and contributions – someone told me I was far too nice in this regard – and I don’t like to ask for what I need even if, by failing to do so, I inconvenience myself. I’d rather put myself out than someone else. It takes me quite a while to settle into the flow of a project and get really focused. And I’m a very good procrastinator.

Fingers crossed that the worst of this is now over. There is still more work to be done, but I’m quietly confident that the craziness that was the last few weeks has passed. And what I have to do once all this is over is to make an effort to sit down, not in judgement of myself, but in a self-compassionate sort of way, and work out where I went wrong and come up with ways I can learn from this.

I also need to take some time off. I think a week away somewhere in the mountains with no phone, no internet, a stack of books, pens and paper and some yoga DVDs would be just what I need right now.

Me-two is nodding furiously.

100 things - January review

 I’ve decided to do a monthly review post of where I’m up to with my 100 things to do in 2013 list. 

This way the list doesn’t just become something I write at the start of the year and shove in the back of a folder never to be seen again.

As well as this, I’ve put a page on the top of the blog that I’m updating occasionally. 

Many of the things are ongoing tasks or projects (or new habits that I want to get into), so there isn’t a lot I can actually cross off the list.

However, I can report that I have crossed off Number 33 (read Sweet Poison) and Number 97 (take down the not-an-Xmas tree). 

I really love crossing things off a list. It’s very satisfying.

100 things to do in 2013

I've been sort-of trying to get my mind and my life back into some sort of order now that I'm back at work. I thought I was making progress in getting things back on track after the disruption of moving house last year, but then along came the festive season, ad my will-power went on holidays too.

One of the things I've been working on over the last few days is a list of 100 things to do in 2013. I'm struggling to get to 100 and, of those that I have, I'm worried that a few of them sound awfully like New Year Resolutions, which I resolve not to make.

Whatever, I'm working through the process and have come up with a list of (almost) 100 things to do this year, including habits to get into (or get back into in some cases). The habits will be things I'll work on during the year - they aren't things I expect to start all at once in January and stick to all year. Rather, I hope that by the end of the year I'll have made progress in them.

So, to keep myself honest, here are the ones I'm prepared to talk about. Maybe even blog about.

1. Improve my eating habits to make at least 90% of my diet free of processed food.
2. Reach my target weight (lose about the same again as I lost in 2012).
3. 15,000 steps per day.
4. Complete my 2012 Project Life album.
5. Keep up to date with 2013 Project Life.
6. Eliminate gluten.
7. Do the One Little Word workshop.
8. Plan a new herb garden.
9. Start a small vege garden (along the lines of the book One Magic Square).
10. Keep the house organised (establish routines).
11. Finish the DVD from our 2011 holiday for Juniordwarf.
12. Make DVDs for Juniordwarf for events from 2012.
13. [Private]
14. Scrapbook more.
15. Get back into routines I'd started last year.
16. Regular weekly "me time".
17. Weekly meal plan.
18. Go to bed before 11 pm.
19. Blog at least three times a week.
20. Learn to make yogurt.
21. Use beautiful stationery.
22. Reduce alcohol intake.
23. Get back into yoga.
24. Sew something. Anything. Just use the damn sewing machine!
25. Keep my One Line A Day journal.
26. Buy decent walking shoes.
27. Go to a National Park I've never been to.
28. Go camping at least twice.
29. Internet-free time.
30. Ride my bike.
31. Get my bike in a rideable condition.
32. Read []
33. Read []
34. [Private].
35. Read []
36. [] project.
37. Make bread. Maybe gluten free.
38. Start DVDs for Juniordwarf's 1, 2 and 3 years.
39. Eat more vegetables.
40. Give Mrs Smyth her mix tape CD of 2011 songs.
41. Donate blood.
42. Use some of my scrapbooking stash.
43. Drink more water.
44. Revisit my Happiness Project commitments.
45. Perspective!
46. New habit: if it takes less than 2 minutes, do it now.
47. New habit: put stuff away where it belongs straight away.
48. Make a list of jobs that I can do in 5/10 minutes for when I have a short gap in my day.
49. Laugh more.
50. [Private].
51. Do parent help in Juniordwarf's class.
52. Drink more herbal tea.
53. Get a notice board for the kitchen.
54. Get a notice board for the study.
55. Decorate the study.
56. Order the new blind for the dining room.
57. Take a photo that I want to display in the house.
58. Set up a worm farm with Juniordwarf.
59. Watch the Wizard of Oz with Juniordwarf.
60. Make decent dinners on Sunday nights for leftovers for weekday lunches.
61. Declutter regularly.
62. Go to MONA.
63. Do NaNoWriMo.
64. Be more organised at work.
65. [Private]
66. Make vanilla essence.
67. Make tomato sauce.
68. Enter a photo in at least one show.
69. Submit a layout to Creating Keepsakes.
70. [Private]
71. Appreciate the small things.
72. Notice things.
73. [Private]
74. Visit every antique shop in our town at least once.
75. [Private]
76. Change my hair colour.
77. Decide what to do with the old chest of drawers.
78. Find a magazine rack side table.
79. Go on a yoga retreat.
80. Turn my handwriting into a font.
81. Write the children's story that has been in my head for years.
82. Learn some basic Italian.
83. Use hand cream more often.
84. Cull some more books.
85. Avoid footy tipping.
86. Finish The Mysterious Island.
87. Participate in a semi-regular blog linkup.
88. [Private]
89. Do a cyber crop.
90. Write to my Aunt.
91. Stand up for myself.
92. Investigate ways of making my work environment more conducive to the work I'm doing.
93. Don't buy stuff I don't need.
94. Reduce/reuse/recycle.
95. Use most lunch breaks for walking, not shopping.
96. Keep better track of my spending & the household budget.
97. Take down the not-an-Xmas tree.
98. Stop using the couch as storage.
99. Fix the things that have to be fixed, or throw them out.
100. Don't stress if I don't do everything on the list.
101. Reward myself when I do something on the list.

That's a pretty full list - as I was writing this post, the final few things came into my mind, so the list is now complete. Yay! There should be ample blogging material there for me to achieve #19 at least.

If you have a similar list for 2013 on your blog I'd love to read it - just leave me a link in the comments section :)

Now I'm off to get all my stuff off the couch.

Healthy Heart

A couple of weeks ago I signed up for the Heart Foundation's Healthy Heart Challenge, which is part of the "Go Red for Women" campaign to raise awareness about heart disease in women.

It's an online challenge that starts today and runs for six weeks. Participants select an area they would like to focus on (being active, healthy eating, cholesterol or blood pressure) and set goals each week to improve in the area of their choice.

I've chosen exercise as my goal.

After my miserable attempt at reintroducing running into my life late last year, I've been fairly inactive and that worries me. The fact that I needed to do something became very clear a few months ago when I stepped onto the scales for the first time in months and discovered to my horror that I was very close to weighing the heaviest I'd ever been.

At that point I decided things had to change.

I'd got rid of a lot of clothes that became too big for me after I lost about 15 kg seven years ago (before I got pregnant and stacked most of it back on again), and I really didn't want to see myself going out and buying more clothes in those sizes.

I actually weighed a lot less back when Juniordwarf was a baby but since then the weight has steadily crept back on, in that sneaky way that weight does when you aren't paying attention. I really don't think I can use the excuse of baby weight when the "baby" is in Prep.

After that horrifying realisation, I started to make a few changes to my diet. I've lost about three kilos over three months, but I know I need to do more, especially in terms of exercising. When I heard about this challenge I thought it would be the perfect way to gradually start to exercise again, doing a little bit more each week, with the intention of cementing some new habits into my life.

With that in mind, I've set myself a very low goal for the first week: to walk for 10 minutes a day. It doesn't matter when or where. Just getting out and doing it is all I want to do at this stage.

Because I have a different schedule almost every day, I find it hard to fit in a regular time for exercise. Then I tend to give up altogether because I miss a session or two that I'm supposed to be doing but where the time isn't convenient for that particular day.  So my aim over the next six weeks is to work out the best time or times each day to get moving, and then to actually do it at those times. And to stick with it.

Progress so far: 1/1.

Happiness is not a destination

When walking past a shop recently, I glanced into the window and saw a poster with this quote on it:

Happiness is not a destination.
It is a way of life.

It sums up the attitude I’ve been trying to instil in myself.

Last year I blogged several times (here, here and here, for example) about my realisation that ‘life is now’. That means that I can’t wait until I’ve ‘fixed’ the things I think I need to fix and until everything is perfectly in place before I start living my life (my life is now) or before I can acknowledge that I’m happy.

And as I walked, I contemplated the quote (for which I have tried to track down a source, but I've been unable to do so) and it occurred to me that this was not just a quote about happiness. It could actually be applied to any number of things that I’m trying to address in my life.

Try replacing the word ‘happiness’ with ‘health’. 

Health is not a destination; it is a way of life. 

Of course it is. For a long time I’ve focused on an attempt to ‘get healthy’, which implies that there is some point at which the unhealthy me will suddenly be the healthy me, after which everything will be easy, I will never crave chocolate again and I will only drink two glasses of alcohol two nights a week.

I know that's not going to happen. There's not going to be a flick of the switch moment, when I suddenly become healthy.

So if I see health as, instead of an end point that I have to reach, a way of life, then the challenge is no longer to get to 'the end' (to get healthy), but to live a healthy lifestyle (to be healthy).

Instead of complaining that I’m overweight, unfit and unhealthy and telling myself I have to lose weight, get fit and get healthy, I choose to be healthy today. And every time I have a choice, if I choose the healthier option (herbal tea instead of beer; going for a walk instead of watching TV; fruit instead of cake) then I’m reinforcing being healthy. (OK, not every time. I think that’s unrealistic. But most of the time.)

Sure I might have some specific goals*, like I want to be able to run 5 km or I want to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans**, but those goals are not the end point. They are milestones. Am I unhealthy because I can only run 4 km***? Do I suddenly become healthy once I can run 5km? Of course not. There is no end point. You don’t just achieve your health goals and then stop and go back to your old ways once you’ve done it. Health is not a destination; it is a way of life.

I feel much better for starting to live this way of life.

Something else that has been a big focus of my life and that I’ve blogged about several times could also slot right into this quote, and I’m sure there are many others too. But that’s a story for another night.

* Not my actual goals.

**That would be the immediately pre-pregnancy size 8-10s, not the 12 months pre-pregnancy size 14-16s, because fitting into those would require a certain level of relaxation of my lifestyle; and besides, I got rid of them and have no intention of ever buying a pair of jeans that size again.

*** I can’t.

another end - and a new beginning

Today was Juniordwarf’s last day of daycare.

He’s been very excited about it, and had counting down the days to his last day since before school finished last year.

On the other hand, I’m feeling a little bit sad and nostalgic about it all. I shed a few tears when we dropped him off this morning – and a few more on the way home after we picked him up. I think his educators at the child care centre were also a little sad that Juniordwarf – and some of the other older children too – would be leaving this week. Apparently one of his friends was in tears last Monday because she thought that was going to be his last day and she wouldn’t see him any more. I think she was pretty upset today too.

Juniordwarf has been going to daycare ever since he was about nine months old. When he was a baby, I stayed at home with him full time for six months, and Slabs was a stay at home dad for the next six months. After Juniordwarf turned one, we both started working part time, three days a week, so we needed to put him into daycare for one day a week.

In preparation for Slabs going back to work, we started taking him in to daycare for an hour at a time, to get him used to being there and not being with one of us. Over the next three months, we gradually built up the time he was there until he was happy to spend a full day there. When Slabs changed his hours, Juniordwarf started doing two days a week in daycare, and last year, once he started 3 day kinder, he dropped back to one day. 

I say happy because, despite the fact that for at least the first two years he used to cry almost every single time we dropped him off, he has seemed to enjoy himself there, he’s done some things he never would have got the chance to do at home and has made some friends. His educators have all been fantastic with him, and he’s been attached to all of them, especially the people who have been his main carers during the time he’s been in their particular rooms.

Now Juniordwarf is ready to start full-time school, and his time at daycare has come to an end. He agreed to give one of his favourite toys to the little kids’ room as a farewell gift – he’s finally outgrown it and it’s time to pass it on to some kids who we hope will get as much enjoyment out of it as he has.

Daycare has been such a big part of his life for the past four and half years, it’s strange to think of him not going there any more. He’s leaving part of his childhood behind and moving on to the next stage of his life as a fully fledged schoolboy.

So while this time last year I was feeling sad that he was taking his first steps into formal education, and into the bigger ‘system’ that is our lives, there was still a lot of his life as a little kid in our lives – daycare, my Tuesdays off as a tryhard mum-at-home, kids under 5 get in free to most places, participating in the various preschool kids activities around the place and that sort of thing.

In just over a week that will all be over and he will be a full-time school kid. Kinder is over and real school begins. It’s an exciting time for Juniordwarf. I know he’s looking forward to it. I asked if he was feeling sad because he wouldn’t have his Tuesdays at home with me any more, and he said, ‘No.’ I asked him why, and he said, ‘because I like school.’ I’m hoping that attitude will stick around for as long as possible!

Several parents have told me it’s a big jump from Kinder to Prep, because of both the increase in the time he’ll spend at school and the more formal atmosphere of the prep classroom compared to the kinder one. It will be interesting to see how he copes.

And it will be interesting to see how I cope too, because with the end of Juniordwarf’s ‘little kid’ days, I feel like part of my identity – that of mum-at-home, which has been part of my make-up since 2006 – will go with it. So in a way I am losing two things at once. It is an emotional time for me, and I want to acknowledge this as a significant milestone in my life. Not as significant as the transformation to ‘mum-at-home’ in the first place (and wasn’t that a shock to the system!), but still an event to be marked and reflected on.

I feel OK about being sad about it, and recognising it as an end, because too often I don’t take the time to properly process things and to recognise and acknowledge my feelings. The result is that those things have a habit of coming back and upsetting me all over again. And again. And, um, again.

Writing it down is part of acknowledging how I feel and celebrating the fact that I’ve had five years as a full time and part time mum-at-home. And it’s been the hardest role I’ve ever had to fulfil. Over the years it’s been challenging, frustrating, difficult, stressful, irritating, boring, aggravating. It’s made me cry, question myself, doubt myself, dislike myself and want to run away and never come back.

It’s also been fun, relaxing (occasionally), and enjoyable, has made me smile and laugh, and has given me the most wonderful moments I never want to forget.

Of course, I know all of this will continue as I continue my journey as Juniordwarf’s mum – and I would have had all of those feelings no matter what type of motherhood role I’d played up until now. It’s all part of being a mum – well a parent really I guess.

But despite it feeling like a loss now, saying goodbye to mum-at-home is not so much a loss as it is another change in my role as Mum.  That role has already changed and evolved many times as Juniordwarf has grown and changed, and it will continue to do so as he continues to grow, reach milestones and face the many challenges that are before him. But perhaps this feels different to the more subtle changes that have already happened, because, unlike the gradual changes, it will be a sudden stopping – much like the end of breastfeeding was for us. I guess it’s like the feeling that some mothers have when their children start high school. It must be a similar sudden and clear-cut change.

I really don’t know, but I’m glad I had the opportunity to spend as much time at home with Juniordwarf as I have over the past five and a half years. Despite how hard it’s been juggling work and home, I don’t think I would have done things differently. It worked for us. Mostly. So as well as farewell to mum-at-home, this is a time to celebrate everything she has done over the past five and a half years.

________________________________________

Juniordwarf’s educator very kindly took some photos for us today of his last day at daycare. Thank you K. They are great, and are a wonderful memory of his last day.

Thank you to all of the wonderful people who have worked with Juniordwarf both at the centre and through Family Day Care. We will miss you.

Walking out the gate for the last time.

stuck in a rut

I have a confession to make.

I’ve crashed and burned. 

It isn’t easy to commit this to writing, since last year I was so proud of myself about finally finding the spark I needed to get up and start exercising and having started to do the work I want to do to within myself.

 

When you make a public statement about what you’re doing, it’s supposed to make you more accountable and more likely to follow it through. This clearly hasn’t happened for me.

When I started running in December, I knew there was a risk that I wouldn’t stick with it over the Xmas break. I accepted that, and I told myself that I wasn’t going to beat myself up about slacking off for a couple of weeks. I still knew I wanted to do it and I was starting to feel better, even though I had a long way to go. I thought that would be enough to make the feeling last.

Only it didn’t. And it hasn’t been a couple of weeks any more. It’s been over a month. And now I am starting to feel down on myself about it.

It’s school holidays, so nothing is normal and my routines have been disrputed. Slabs had some time off after Xmas and I’d been going to work in my own time, leaving Slabs and Juniordwarf to do their own thing. Now Slabs and I are both back at work and Juniordwarf is shuffling between home days, grandmother days, daycare and vacation care. It’s starting to get complicated.

On the first day of vacation care I had to pack Juniordwarf’s lunch. It felt just like a school morning and all the stresses and anxieties of last year started to come back.

Up until then, despite falling off the wagon, I’d been feeling fairly relaxed. But that day, I could just feel myself sliding back into my old stressed ways.

I feel like I’m edging back towards the familiar.

Someone once described to me the process of change as being like trying to divert a river from its course. The water has forged its course over many years. The longer it has followed the path, the deeper and wider the course is, and the harder it is to make the water flow a different way.

I imagine it slightly differently. 

I see myself picking my way along a steep, deep, dry river course, where water hasn't flowed for a long time, with many loose rocks all the way up the embankment. When I try to make my way out of this channel, the challenge is to find a solid hand hold or a foot hold, rather than a loose rock.

And now, having made such great progress starting to scramble up that river bank, I find more loose rocks than firm hand holds. I feel my grip loosening and my footholds failing. 

Sometimes it seems like it would be easier just to let go and slide back down, in a mini-avalanche of rocks.

There is comfort in the familiar. 

I know that river’s course well. It’s safe and unchanging. There are no surprises and there’s nothing to fear there.

I’ll look back up at how far I got this time and wish I hadn’t let go, but part of me will be secretly relieved that I’m not still perilously clinging on in unfamiliar territory.

I’ll know that from lower down there are no more risks of falling, so I’ll be safe.

I’ll keep working my way along the riverbed, picking out the easy course. Sometimes I might stumble on the loose rocks, but that won’t be as bad as falling from a great height.

But where is the riverbed leading me? Nowhere new. To a place I don’t want to go to any more. Not upward and out of there. 

But upward is the way I want to want to go.

So why won’t I start climbing again? Is it that I’ll simply move along the river bed until I find a place that looks like it might be easier to climb up? Is that what the spark that I got last year was – an easier starting point?

Or will I have to tell myself that there isn’t going to be an easier starting point, and that here is as good a place as any to try again, and begin the climb all over again?

But . . . if I don’t let myself fall now, I won’t have to have that conversation. If I hang on to where I am now, and keep reaching out until I find the next hand hold, then maybe I can keep going.

I just need to find whatever it is that got me started to push me that little bit further so I can find the next thing I need; to stretch my arm out just a little more to grab hold of the next hand hold.

I hope I find it soon.

P365 - Day 312 - yoga

Tonight I went to my first yoga class since 2006.

I’ve done yoga on and off ever since I was at uni. Most recently I did pregnancy yoga classes, but that was more than five years ago.

I’d been thinking about starting again for a while. What originally got me thinking was Judith Lucy’s Spiritual Journey, which was on tv earlier in the year. In the show, Judith talked about how practising yoga had changed her life, and it reminded me of how I too had got a lot from it when I’d done it – yet somehow still managed to keep dropping out.

Recently I was speaking to someone about the need for me to take some time to do something just for me, and also for me to find ways to relax so that I can deal with particular things that have been happening in my life.

It occurred to me that yoga might fulfil both of these needs. But I didn’t know how I was going to do it, since most of the classes around seemed to be too far away and at inconvenient times.

Then Slabs mentioned he’d seen a poster advertising local yoga classes, so I contacted the teacher and, lo and behold, the next term’s classes were about to start - in the evening - so I signed up.

It seemed like everything had fallen into place. I love it when that happens!

I’ve started getting up a bit earlier (on some days) to practise a few poses on my own, and tonight was my first time at the official class.

I think it will be really good for me.

P365 - Day 300 - the big 300

Another instalment in the occasional series on what pastpresentfuture is all about. You might also like to read Part 1 and Part 2.

This is Day 300 of my Project 365 photo project. 

Does anyone know what/where this is?

That means I have taken at least one photo every day since 1 January and posted it here on my blog. That’s 300 photos – actually more - since a lot of my posts have included multiple photos.

As well as the photo a day concept, I’ve found the blog space a good space to put my thoughts about things I’m working through n my personal life. Most times I can manufacture a photo for the day to fit what I’ve been thinking about. Or I can write a post and wait for the right photo opportunity. Whatever works.

I was discussing how much to share on a blog with a friend a while ago. I was saying that if I was having a really hard time about something and feeling really low, I didn’t really want to put that ‘out there’ in any great detail, because I’m sure no one wants to read about me moping around and moaning about things, which I do a lot*.

On the other hand, exploring some of my personality traits, insecurities or frustrations (which I’ve done several times on here) is something I feel more ok about doing.

When people leave comments on those posts or say something on one of my social networks where I share my blog, I feel reassured that I’m not the only one dealing with those issues. It also helps a lot when people comment from an outside viewpoint, and look at something in a way I wouldn’t have thought to look.

I suppose the main problems for me are firstly figuring out where the line between exploring and moping is, and secondly in deciding how much of that exploration I want to make public. Or, if you like, deciding when it ceases to be an exploration and turns into a counselling session.

I could fill up a post or more every day with subjects as diverse and fascinating as how I’m dealing with being an unhealthy perfectionist (I love that term!), why I’m terrified of talking to people, what I need to do to turn off my ‘inner critic’ and so on. (It’s a very long list, and I already have written on many of the subjects on it in more or less detail.)

In fact, I can see myself dwelling on these issues so much that I’d spend my entire life ‘analysing’ myself and not actually living. In other words, failing to appreciate the difference between thinking I have to wait until I’ve ‘fixed’ everything before I can start to relax and live life, and realising that there will never be a time when everything falls perfectly into place, so I need to get out there and live my life right now.

I know, I’ve said it before (more than once), and it’s a message I really need to get through to myself, so I’ll probably keep on saying it.

Life is now.

But it’s so easy to get caught up on the things that I need to ‘fix’ to create myself a better future and to think that everything will fall into place when that magical time comes, that I forget about the here and now. And that isn’t exactly consistent with the central premise of my blog, which is ‘present’. And I know that the magical time will never come. (Life is now.)

Past – well that’s a whole other post, and there’s some stuff I might want to write about later, or might want to leave well alone.

For now I’ll just say that I feel like I’m making some small but important changes in my life and my way of thinking that are – overall – having positive outcomes in my life. 

Sure, sometimes it’s two steps forward and three steps back, and I have my fair share of days where everything is too much, but there are other days when it’s three steps forward, one step back. But because (cliché alert) life is about the journey not the destination, that’s all perfectly fine. Overall, I feel like things are getting better within myself. (Life is now.)

I’m sure that this is due – at least in some part - to writing this blog, and getting support and encouragement from so many people, even people I don’t personally know, who take the time to leave me a comment or respond on Twitter or Facebook. It means a lot to me that you care and that you’re willing to put yourself out there and tell me that I’m not the only one dealing with this stuff.

Thank you all. 

* No I don’t. I have a tendency to keep the moan-y things inside and dwell on them. Or write them down in unintelligible handwriting. Or get all passive aggressive about them and deny that something’s wrong, even when something clearly is. Or post them in an obscure way.

P365 - Day 296 - find your passion

Go directly to the garden. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

I’m one of those people who never knew what they wanted to do after they finished school. I was the career guidance teacher’s number one nightmare, and my parents despaired that I was never going make up my mind.

As a result, I changed my mind about what university course I was going to do basically on the strength of a throwaway line from a friend, dropped out of the course after one year and four weeks, and did a degree I would never in a million years have seen myself doing two years previously.

Then, having absolutely no idea what I was going to do next, I somehow landed a job in the public service in Canberra. While the prospect of moving to Canberra was less than appealing, the prospect of earning more money than I’d ever had in my life was somewhat attractive.

So I took the plunge, packed up and moved, with the intention of staying for a couple of years and then coming home and doing what I really wanted to do, whatever that was.

History will show that the ‘couple of years’ lasted a bit longer than that. It will also show that I have no more idea about what I want to do now than I did then. But all the time, I was convinced that all I had to do was find what I was passionate about, and then I’d find a way to make that a part of my working life, then I’d be doing work that I loved so much that it didn’t even seem like work*.

Only what was my passion?

I dabbled in many things. I wanted to like things. I bought stuff. I started reading books. I did career inventories. I shelved stuff. I bought more stuff. I stuffed books onto bookshelves. I assessed my Myers Briggs Type for clues. I tried to remember what I loved doing as a child. I tried to imagine my perfect job. I made plans. I ditched plans.

None of it worked. There was too much out there. How could I possibly find the one thing or the couple of things that I was truly passionate about when there was so much stuff to do? Was my gut instinct telling me what I really wanted to do, or what I thought I wanted to do, or even what I thought I wanted to want to do?

How was I ever going to know what I REALLY wanted to do?

What am I passionate about? Am I passionate about anything?

I remember reading some time about in one of the zillions of “Find out what you really want to do and go out and do it” books that I started reading (and mostly never finished) that a good clue is to find the activity that puts you into what I think they called “the zone” – that is the place where you so immerse yourself in what you’re doing that you lose track of time, forget to eat, forget to go to bed . . . and no, I don’t think they were thinking of chatting online all night.

It occurred to me today – as it has at other times – that the only time I really get that completely lost is when I’m in the garden. When these authors described this zone, they were describing what happens to me when I’m gardening.

When I’m gardening I’m in my own world. I tell myself stories, I dream, I replay incidents that didn’t work out so that I get the result I want, I have conversations with people in my head. The real world ceases to exist.

Back in the days BJ (Before Juniordwarf), I’d think nothing of spending the whole weekend in the garden. If I didn't have to eat I wouldn’t have.

But even so, it’s not something that I jump out of the door to do first thing on a Saturday morning. It is a huge effort for me to get to the point where I’m actually working in the garden and, from there, to that state where I get lost in it. It’s very easy to find something else to do, see something that has to be done, get distracted by something, and then it’s too close to lunch time or we have to go up the street, or we have to go out, or Juniordwarf wants me to do something with him, and then it’s too hot, or it’s raining or I don’t have the seeds I need or . . . .

So despite the fact that I love it, I find it incredibly hard to get motivated to do it.

It seems like a complete paradox. If I love it so much and it gets me into this other world, why then am I reluctant to get out there and do it?

The other factor that comes into the equation now, that I didn’t have before, is Juniordwarf! I want him to get more involved with the garden, but I don’t want to force him, so I just let him do pretty much what he wants outside, show him things that might interest him, let him plant seeds, do some digging and whatever else he is interested in, but most of the time he’s more interested in hanging out with Sleepydog. And the good thing about that it is it keeps her out of my way – she’s a very ‘in your face’ dog.

But getting into the “zone” is harder when I have to spend time with Juniordwarf. Not that I don’t enjoy doing stuff with him in the garden – I do, I love it – but it’s not the same.

And then if he wants to go back inside and do something else, my well-honed sense of Mother Guilt kicks in, and I feel guilty that I’m outside doing my own thing and leaving him to his own devices - despite the fact that he's probably having a great time inside with his Dad! 

This is a combination of (a) guilt that I’m relying on Slabs to spend more than his fair share of time with Juniordwarf, (b) guilt that if Slabs is also doing his own thing, Juniordwarf has to entertain himself and leaving him to his own devices for too long isn’t fair, (c) guilt that I don’t have as much time as I used to with him and that I should be spending more of the weekend with him and that spending time in the garden isn’t as important as spending time with him . . .

However . . .

If I hung out with Juniordwarf all day and did no gardening, then the jungle would continue to multiply at a crazy rate, we’d have no home-grown vegetables and every time I looked out the back window I’d feel guilty about not being out there and getting stuck into it.

Really?

For goodness sake!

I wonder if other parents struggle with this sense of guilt no matter what they do? Is this one of those things that no-one ever talks about before you have kids, and even if they did, you as a child-free adult would scoff and tell them to get over it?

Now that I’ve actually written it down, I can see how ridiculous it all seems. 

Where the hell does all this guilt come from? And that’s only scratching the surface. What purpose does any of it serve, except to make me anxious and feel bad - and for no good reason? Surely there must be better things I can put my mind to than making myself feel rotten.

It’s that nasty inner critic at it again, this time attacking me with its little arsenal of “shoulds”.

And I “should” ignore it.

Well, for a post that was just going to talk about how much I got done in the garden today, this has turned into something completely unexpected.

What can I take from this?

• I need a big push to get me started on anything, even if it’s something I love doing. This can only come from me. There are no excuses. I can either take the easy way and procrastinate, do nothing and continue to feel bad about that, or I can push through the pain of the resistance barrier, do something and end up feeling good about what I’ve achieved.

• I want to be able to get out in the garden for periods of time that will let me get a reasonable amount of work done without feeling like I’m abandoning my family. I need to talk to my family about how we can make this work – what’s reasonable, what I need and what they need. How they can help.

• I still don’t know “what I want to do”, but that’s OK for now, because at least I know what I am passionate about.

And today I had a great morning ripping out weeds, cutting branches off a tree and giving myself some hope that I might still get the vege patches under control in time to grow a few veges this year. I even found some veges growing in amongst the weeds. Yay!

* Before you tell me that this is complete piffle, and that very few people are ever able to find that work-passion balance, and that actually working with your passion can end up killing your passion, remember that I was in my early 20s when all this happened, and I really didn’t have much of a clue about anything! (Some would say I still don’t, but I choose to ignore them.)

P365 - Day 286 - a day in the life

Apparently it's my birthday today. I took the day off work, because I really don't like to be at work on my birthday. Last year I had Juniordwarf with me - this year he was at school, so I had a rare day at home by myself.

Here are some photos of what I did today.

Juniordwarf 'helping' open my presents.
Whose birthday is it again?

Waterfall card from the wonderfully talented Lil Sis

Coffee!

Catching up on my blog

Playing in my craft space

Wondering how I'm going to journal in all this.

Solution: put the writing somewhere else

Catching up on washing I didn't do on Tuesday

The scary shed. Who dares enter . . . 

It's starting to take shape

Time to say this is finished and to move onto the next project

Out to dinner

Well what other table would I want?

Entree tasting plate

Beer!

Not a bad laksa. I'll be back!

Cheers Mum, Happy Birthday.